I’m caught up in a story that is bigger than myself. I know that and I love that. But the questions that surface and are surfacing are confusing – like a thick mist or dense fog that drifts over mountains and sits still in a valley.
But God is in the midst of the mist. Perhaps, like the ancient stories, God still is revealed in clouds. God is the mist. The vapor. The elements that we experience in the real stuff of creation.
If God is the mist and the fog, then God is present in the confusion. Does God cause the confusion?
I believe Jesus is clarity, but can God be confusion?
Is there such a thing as a Holy Disorientation, a Sacred Confusion?
One of the most amazing feelings I have ever experienced is not knowing which way is up and which way is down. Feeling this is humbling and terrifying and excruciatingly breath-taking.
I’ve only ever experienced this underwater. When you surf (and surf as poorly as I do), you can often get thrown underwater by an indescribably powerful wave into the wash machine of the ocean surf. The sheer force of the water is pushing on you in all directions. If the wave is big enough, your lungs will start to burn as you exhaust all remaining oxygen available to your body.
When you scuba dive, you can find yourself so deep underwater that you can lose track of the surface. You literally don’t know which way is up. There is sunlight visible in the water – but it is a confusing and disorienting prismatic sunlight. You see the sun but you don’t know from which direction the sunlight is being sourced. You start swimming and making your way up – or at least you hope it’s up.
There’s similarity in these two scenarios. In the midst of the wash machine, in the midst of the sixty-feet-below-the-surface-and-don’t-know-which-way-is-up experience the only way to live and find life is to remain calm.
Experience the confusion. Don’t panic. Calm down.
Remember to breathe.
And listen to your breath. And remember that breath is a gift. And allow your breath to be a reminder that God is present in the mist and in the confusion.
And wait. Disorientation lasts for a season. It does not last forever. The wave will subside. You’ll find your way to the surface.
Breathe and wait. And experience God in the midst of it all.