California, Food, Meaning, Ramblings, Stories, the Ridiculous

The Best Ice Cream Flavor Ever (or the exact opposite)

For an undisclosed amount of time (a long time), an undisclosed friend has been telling me that I simply must try the ice cream at an undisclosed location in our neighborhood.

Now, you must know, that our neighborhood is known for having excellent ice cream places, namely Scoops on Heliotrope (who else has such amazing ice cream, including a number of vegan options with experimental flavors as crazy as kimchi?). Go to Scoops if you have not, because the ice cream is excellent.

But, if you were to look for another ice cream place in the neighborhood, perhaps something less trendy and less expensive, something you do not have to put on your tightest jeans, feather and fake moustache for, you would have a number of options. One such option specializes in fried breakfast treats that they serve regularly each day (that was your hint to decode the place’s name) and happens to be the place that has been raved about for months by my friend.

So, my unsuspecting self along with my unsuspecting wife and our unsuspecting friend James went to try the ice cream at this spot because who doesn’t love a secret hole in the wall with great ice cream?

We surveyed the flavors. They had 8 options, none of which lined up to the tags indicating flavor names so we had to ask the woman working. She explained each of the flavors.

“What’s that one?”


“Oh. What about that one?”

“Chocolate chip.”

“Oh. What about that one?

“Make Any Kind.”

“Oh. Wait, what?”

“Make Any Kind.”

“What does that mean?”

“Oh, you know, a little of this, a little of that. A little bit of everything. Make Any Kind.”


[big smile and affirming head nod]

My friend James and I decided that Make Any Kind would be awesome since we hate denying any ice cream flavor the right to be enjoyed. We placed our order. For each of us, two scoops in a styrofoam cup for $1. We paid cash for the ice cream and as we walked out, the third-person omniscient narrator cued the laugh track.

It turns out that “Make Any Kind” is less “a little taste of everything good in the world” and more “the garbage that’s left in the bottom of ice cream containers that have been sitting out too long and nobody else can eat.”

Oh, it can’t be that bad, you say.

Yes, it can. Imagine a cup that appears to be full of cold and creamy dairy goodness but is actually freezer burn masquerading as ice cream. Pineapples that look fresh and tasty but are really just flavorless chunks of yellow ice, pecans that are not buttery as promised but dry and dusty, and chocolate chips that must be swallowed whole to avoid a cracked tooth. Yes, it can be that bad.

“Make Any Kind” is a terrible idea, no matter the context. No one would want “make any kind” soup or “make any kind” beer or “make any kind” cake or “make any kind” soda. No one wants a “make any kind” car or a “make any kind” pair of pants. And no one should ever make or sell “Make Any Kind” ice cream.

It is not good and I hope to never eat it again.

PS – The wife is a bit smarter. She went with a cup of pineapple coconut.


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