Future, Ramblings

the flipside of exhaustion

(this is one of those self-help blogs…in the sense that all this babbling and rambling will hopefully somehow help me sort out my thoughts, figure some things out about myself, and provide answers to all the questions that I have)

For the last month or so, when asked how I’m doing, I’ve realized that I always answer using the major life events that have happened/are happening as the vernacular to describe my feelings.

For example:

Friend: “Dear Dave, how are you doing today?”

Dave: “Well, I’m doing pretty good….the wedding is only a week away, so…”

OR:

Dave: “Well, I’m okay, only three weeks until we pack up all our belongings and move across the country, so I’m pretty busy with all that stuff”

OR:

Dave: “I’m great, married life is so different than what I’ve been used to, so I’ve been trying to figure all that stuff out.”

Basically, I’ve only been able to describe how I’m feeling within the context of the major life transitions that are happening within an 8 week window this summer.  But, in the last couple of days, I’ve realized that to maintain my sanity, I need to have an answer to the question “How are you?” outside of the context of these events.  Not that the events aren’t important and life-shaping (because they are), but because I need to start feeling like I exist outside of two or three life events.  I need to be living a life that is more than getting by and simply existing between a wedding and a moving date. 

So…here goes…. 

You:  “How are you doing?”

Dave: “I’m exhausted.”

Exhausted.  Drained physically and emotionally.  Unsure of how often I should put on a happy face, or who I should put it on for.  Unsure of how to relax and rejuvenate.

At the same time, I have been feeling overwhelmingly supported and cared for and loved by SO many people in my life.  I feel incredibly blessed to have an amazing wife, three amazing supportive family units that are sacrificially generous and kind, and an amazing network of friends.

But, despite all that, I’ve allowed myself to get to a place where I just feel exhausted. The funny thing is that I feel like all the things that are wearing me down have easy solutions.

I’m tired of living out of a suitcase and using our car as a dresser/laundry bin/storage unit…

…but tonight we’re moving into a place that we’ll probably be at for the remainder of our time in Madison

I’m tired of trying to please two parental factions that love and care for me and have my best interest at heart, but sometimes go about it in competing/contradictory ways…

…but I can’t please everyone all the time…I need to spend more time loving my parents instead of being frustrated at them, and I need to realize that I do things that frustrate them as well…

I’m tired of trying to figure out what needs to happen next with so many huge big picture things…finding a car, planning the details of a cross country move, starting grad school, finding jobs, etc…

…but there are so many people helping me/us out…so many people rooting for us, praying for us, and supporting us in so many ways.  We are not in this alone.  I am not in this alone. 

I’m tired of being in this phase of transition, not feeling quite at home anywhere…

…but this month in Madison is a blessing more than it is a frustrating curse.  The time we will spend with family, friends, and each other here in Madison is such a unique opportunity that we will not likely have again for a while.  I need to realize that it’s much more of a blessing than a curse.  Plus, home is not a place, but a feeling.  I am surrounded by “home” here in Madison. 

It’s so easy for me to get caught up in the negatives that life offers.  I’ve forgotten that on the flipside of the things exhausting me are tremendous blessings waiting for me to realize they’re there. 

It’s so easy for me to get to the point where I feel exhausted, that I spend my time being frustrated at the exhaustion instead of taking the time to do the things that relax me (like running, reading, swimming, writing, etc).  Life is good.  I just forget that from time to time.

Haha, I feel like such a mess sometimes.  Thank God for good coffee shops and the time to write down my thoughts…

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